Recently, I found myself scrolling through my Tumblr Page, reading old post, and reminiscing. As I got further down my timeline, I noticed how negative all the posts were. I noticed that some of them were reposted by me and could currently still relate to my challenges. The darkness was alarming, and I began to ponder how and why I was feeling this way. In retrospect, I can see the series of events that led me into this dark hole.
It all started after I was arrested in Virginia for an assault charge– that I did not commit. I never had a record prior to this offense and was completely unaware of the severity of the circumstance. Regardless, I held my head high and tried to complete my light sentence with no confrontation. Fast forward to 2018, there have been an overwhelming amount of police brutality incidences in main stream media, and I find myself triggered by the lack of support I received during my own bout with law enforcement. I still find myself holding back tears and disappointment when I think about how I was mistreated by the police.
It appears that my experience with the law while in Virginia reflected me as an individual worthy of disregard. My biological sister took this phase of my life as a time to express her hate and jealousy for me. Up until this point, she was my best friend and confidant. The realization that the relationship I’ve had with this person, since the day I was born, was discontinued put me in disbelief. Every ill feeling, she had toward me… she meant it! From there on, it became nothing but constant war and turmoil. Fights, threats, attacks, even trivial offences like labeling food so that the other wouldn’t touch it became a norm in my household. In a home I shared with my mother, sister and nephew, I should have felt safe. Instead, I was ostracized by mother. She found herself unable to control the situation and resorted to kicking me out to decrease the tension. This was her intervention, as she thought she was helping by “asking me not to come home” to avoid confrontation. She had no idea where I would go or if I was okay, but simply not having chaos in her home was enough for her. And in her efforts to find peace, I felt alone and abandoned. I felt like garbage. I felt disposable… for two long years.
Eventually my sister decided to relocate, and I figured things would improve. I got rid of the negativity in my life; now I could flourish. I could work on my relationship, friendships, and focus on my career.
Well, like everything we plan to a T… that didn’t happen. While my household improved, all the other things began to fall apart as well. Have you ever taken your car to the mechanic to have something minor, like the brakes, repaired? As your sitting in the waiting area, you see the mechanic and his greasy ass walk over to you with a stack of papers and you’re literally like, “here we go!”, because you know he’s going to bring a list of other things, that you had no idea even existed on a car, that needs to be repaired and replaced. Yea. That’s my life. I’m basically your 2012 Honda Accord and you only have $500 for a $2000 job.
While I waited for my life to reappear, I began noticing all the unhealthy ways I managed, or didn’t manage, relationships and how the energy I gave to my loved ones wasn’t reciprocated. I watched as people who loved me, went to sleep and woke up hating me. I’ve felt left out and forgotten, and through all my struggles I’ve watched the people I’ve needed most give up on me. Do you know how it feels to be forgotten? I do.
The rain continued. My relationship with my man failed because the idea of building together wasn’t his plan; he wanted to “build alongside me” instead. Whatever that means.
I quit my job due to harassment in the workplace. I was so desperate to be included that I allowed co-workers wayyyyy past the co-worker threshold and assumed them to be friends. Like I was truly being manipulated in the name of friendship. How naïve of me?
My history and current battle with all these hardships, failed friendships/relationships, feelings of abandonment, and loneliness has brought me to my only conclusion.
“I GIVE UP!”
The crazy thing about depression is the hold it has on you. The feeling of wanting to be encouraged to climb out of its clutches, but having [it] in your ear constantly reminding you that you are incapable of freeing yourself. I can’t keep begging life to let me be a part of it anymore. What people don’t realize about my depression is how sneaky, but suddenly it took over my life. I had it good, then it all went bad. I was ok, dare I even say happy, before all of this. I can remember a time when I was comfortable in my own skin and I loved who I was– even if nobody else did. All the lights were on in my house and the more people I allowed in, the quicker my lights dimmed. I was a lively person who took life by the balls and tickled them. Now, I’ve turned into God’s Joke. I feel like he literally wakes me up every day to see what I have planned just to be like… “Naaaaaaa that’s not fitt’na happen!”, and while he shoots down my solutions to freedom, he provides no other solutions. So now I’m just blowing in the wind taking life as it comes.
I’ve tried to meditate, I’ve called the Suicide Prevention Hotline, I’ve amped up the self-care and still nothing. I’ve eliminated unhealthy relationships and tried to build on ones I thought could withhold the weight. Still nothing. I’ve cut down my social media interactions as well as changed my number, so I could control who I let into my space, but guess what? Nothing at all.
I am writing this piece today because I haven’t found my solution. I haven’t found myself and I haven’t found a resolution outside of suicide yet. I say yet because I have the desire to know what the bigger picture is. I want it to be proven that it was all for something. That’s what’s keeping me here: The chance to prove the universe wrong. The chance to genuinely feel happy again, and the endless possibilities of what is to come. In some ways, I’m super hopeful. In other ways, I’m scared like hell because nothing good has come my way. So daily, I face the internal battle of ‘Do I want to see tomorrow or not?’ ‘Do I have the strength to withstand whatever’s heading my way?’ Some days I do. Other days you’ll casually see a tweet or status crying out for answers. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to give up either. For now, I’m moving along like the Little Engine, that knew he could, until something… anything happens.
Holding Onto Hope,