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A Journey To Me

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Gem From My Friend…

The Honorable & Inspiring

Troy Mathis

 

You Have a Goal…
Find love, be loved, get married, buy a home, have children. All while being a man who can provide for himself and his family. SIMPLE!

But Life Hits…
Okay so let’s get to work!
Go to school and get good grades. That will equate to financial success. However, I can’t forget I have to find a partner.

“Why do girls look like that? I mean she is pretty and she’s nice,
but she is my friend. Oh but wait, her brother? No, no, no, not
her brother because that’s wrong! Homosexuality is an abomination
before Christ, and I love the Lord.”

Go to church, go to school, pray, and pretend to be ‘straight’. The preachers say that this is what God desires from me. I have to do it!

Yes, I want to be loved. Of course, I want to know love, but I don’t love her in that way. Wait! What can I do? Let’s talk to Dad. He’s a man. He can teach me how to be a real man.

Well, never mind. He’s getting high again. Stuck on the block, hooked on [government administered] “crack”. All of his money used to sponsor the block’s infamous heroes, and their severe addictions to gold chains and foreign cars. No money to pay rent; and through it all Mom makes a way to support us… alone. She’s strong as ever and we’d never see her cry, but her pain seeps through to us.

I don’t want to be alone. I want to know love…real love. Mom loves us and we love her, but besides us who else does she have? “Troy you are brilliant and you will be a great man” she says. In her honor, I have no
choice but to revert back to the original plan. I can’t let her down.

Find love, be loved (but not by a boy fool, reflect on your Christian principles like Pastor says), get
married, buy a home, and procreate. All while being a man who will provide for himself and his family.
Be a real man and make Mom proud.

A Journey

“I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, to give you hope and a future.”

I have always felt God’s hand over my life. Through every up and every down he has been there with me, for me, and operating through me. As a homosexual teenager, an only son and a Black man in the South, there were many expectations set for me that I mentally had to overcome. I tried gar too long to please everyone. I dated women. I took them on dates and in turn I compromised myself, my integrity, and my faith. I lied to everyone! I was a liar.

I ask the holy and sanctified saints, “is lying a sin?”

God has called us to love one another the way he has loved us. Firstly, how could I experience love
without falling in love with Christ. Getting to know him for myself and not simply mirroring who a
preacher told me he was. I had to overcome my own mentality because my mind told me that God
didn’t love me because I was gay. My biological father didn’t love me because he never had a desire to
meet me. My father didn’t love me because he loved crack; and my mother wouldn’t love me once she
discovered who I really was. Who I was as a man did not align with societies prototype of a “Strong Black
Man.”

I present myself to you; mentally and spiritually torn. I am not here to say that homosexuality isn’t a sin. I guess it’s my vice. My Achilles heel. The thorn in my side. However, I can proudly attest that I am not destroying my sisters by stealing Black Queens lives and wasting their time with fake fantasies, promises and secret [same sex] promiscuity. In my perspective, that makes God proud. I am certain I was able to hear him and feel his agape love when I was freed from society’s hold on me.

Generational Curse.

They say higher levels, bigger devils. So my next plight was in struggling with bad soul ties and generational curses that plagued my every attempt toward a healthy and satisfying relationship. I had an anger inside of me that could literally knock the black off your $%#. I was living a “knock if you buck”, “run up get done up” sort of lifestyle. In hindsight, I am sure this was a result of the things that occurred in my past, but excuses aside, they served as barriers to a healthy relationship. I would tell it like it was and I spoke without thinking; sparing no expense and forgetting that the way you make a person feel matters. I was so afraid of being alone, like my mother (because she didn’t take no stuff), that I took everything! Settling as a side joint, a “friend with benefits” and even a D.L. boy’s play toy, when I knew I wanted more.

I had to take a step back and remember that this wasn’t how God loves me so why would I allow anyone to love me— or pretend to love me– in such a manner? I had to truly find my worth. I’ll repeat that, I HAD TO FIND MY WORTH. My worth wasn’t defined by someone else and I couldn’t allow it to be. I couldn’t force someone else to define what I was worthy of because once they left, so did my confidence, esteem and self-efficacy.

I fasted; pleading for God to change my ‘stinking thinking’. I prayed He would help me live in the will that he had for me, as I was certain his will would lead me to love and perfect peace.

Today

I have found love! A love that I couldn’t imagine. A love in Christ. A love in myself, and a physical love. A love that I sometimes I feel unworthy of. Trust me, if you haven’t already realized, once you overcome one hurdle in your life there are at least 10 more that appear out of thin air. But, “rejoice in the lord always. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your request to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds”.

I am far from perfect and my relationship isn’t perfect. It’s hard work and takes determination. There are overwhelming medleys of set ups, setbacks, hills, valleys (and amazing vacations. Ha!) Nevertheless, you’ll have to do the work to love you first before you are able to extend and receive love from another.

With much work, I was able to understand how to love myself through my relationship with Christ. You may believe differently from me and I am not here to judge that, however, we all love and want to be loved. Don’t be a person who hurts people by traveling from relationship to relationship broken and not caring if you break others in the process. Find a way to discover you and establish your worth. Love the skin you’re in, the life you live, and the people around you. Find your happiness and never forget your journey! After the test is the testimony.

This was mine.

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